Filled With Imperfect

The pen itches for movement. I know the feeling. A ghost version of the pen glides on the writable surface. The bright paper, creamy and smooth under my fingers, pale and white and beautiful with its faint blue lines, is an irresistible invitation. The feeling of blank paper, wide open and screaming to be filled with anything and everything; split open your soul and let it pour down to form on the page through the lovely medium of the pen, the world's deadliest weapon held calmly in your secure hand. The pen and paper plead to be united, and you long to silence the loudness of the screaming empty page with wordwordswords.

But the words won't come.
The pen is twitching and restless but still.
The screaming paper goes on screaming, heard but unheeded.
And the words you wish you had curl like smoke and vanish into the aqua atmosphere.

Stop and wait. Listen to music and start again.

My fingers search in my binder for anything to take my mind off nothing. They find The Calendar Page, from November 2010. The one with the prettiest picture on the back. The only one I didn't put up on my wall, I carry with me instead. The one recording all my thoughts during The Month It Started.

I trace the fading green letters.

November 1: Sub in Gannon. Ortho. No rehearsal. Ben hates me
November 2: No school. Gary's house. Grease rehearsal 12:30. David :)
November 3: Lunch = tampon on the ceiling :D Kevin :/ Dress rehearsal. David kissed me.
November 4: Blank.

I'm perfectly okay with different.
K.

Lucky

I think we are who we are.
and lotteries are stupid.

"He may be a naive idiot, but he'll always be hopeful. So he'll always be happy."

She has a point.
he's always hoping for something better, believing that one day his princess will walk through the door again, no matter how many times he gets let down. And every time a girl does make an appearance, whether she's the one or not, he always acts like she is. Because he believes that they all are.

The fewer partners you have, the happier you are with your ultimate partner.
Is that true?
than you're going to be miserable.

I don't think it's true.

but her point questions the one thing I thought I believed in; happiness is a choice.

Unfortunately it's not always a choice that's ours to make.
for example, what I was told this morning.
everything sucks now, because of what's on my mind.
and I can't choose to forget it. I can choose to act like it's not bothering me, but that would just be an act, wouldn't it?

We are perpetually who we are, and nothing is going to change that.
The thing is, I love you for being who you are.
and nothing is going to change that either.
The green cover with the turtle and the polar bear never fails to make me smile -
was it on sale?
Don't say anything unless you mean it - I know you don't.
Honesty > romantic bullshit any day.

Sometimes a common enemy is all it takes to bring two people together, but it takes much more than that to make them stay that way.

Woulda coulda shoulda. Hun, 90% of the people who meet you will imagine themselves in love with you at one point or another. Some won't be imagining. Was I? Did I ever stop? Define "in love" for me. No, we're not in that place anymore. It doesn't hurt anymore, but it did the entire time I was still with him. Why? I could say it's because I didn't love him. I could say it's because I thought you'd make me happier. Or I could not say anything at all. Whatever reason I give it doesn't matter, it's an undeniable fact - it doesn't hurt anymore.

I don't forgive. Like ever.

J'taime :) you know how many McDonalds there are in the world for us to break? Tons.